Going to change the world.

Over the last few weeks I've felt quite the range of emotions. Sometimes all within just a couple hours.

When we started this journey back in October I really thought it was going to be just a bump in the road. I thought we would get this all figured out and within a few months, forget our little man was ever delayed.

But now, we know this is something that will affect all of us for the rest of our lives.

I hate to talk about how disappointed and upset I am about all of this because I still have my baby. He's going to face challenges and difficulties most kids don't but he's still here. I still get to love on him and kiss him goodnight every single night. We still get to watch him grow and learn and I no longer take that for granted. I'm forever thankful for the doctors and medicines that have saved his life and given him a shot at a normal life. Whatever normal is these days.

But I also can't help but grieve the childhood I thought he'd have. The childhood I thought I'd get to experience with him. I'm hopeful. Hopeful that one day he'll be able to experience all the things I dreamed of him doing. But I'm also realistic. I know the chance of him ever doing some of those things is pretty slim.

It hits me like a ton of bricks some days. Other days it just sits in the back of my mind, creeping into my thoughts when I have a few quiet moments alone.

We went on a family walk the other day. Coop in his fancy little late model stroller. Maisey on her Frozen bike and Cody and I walking. Maisey rode beside Coopy for a bit and talked to him about when he learns to ride a bike. Cody and I shot each other a side eye glance. When he learns to ride a bike. That's a new one I hadn't thought about. What are the chances he ever rides a bike? I don't know. We don't even know if he'll ever walk.

Maisey doesn't seem to understand that there's so many things Cooper may never do. She asked the other day why he gets to go to the doctor all the time and she never does. She knows he has SMA. She can tell you that means his muscles don't work like they should but she isn't yet able to grasp the fact that her brother might never run around and play with her. I found myself trying to explain things to her the other night before bed. I started by explaining that at his age, most children are able to walk or at least stand on their own. I told her that there's a chance he will have to be in a wheelchair the rest of his life. And if he isn't, he still won't be able to do "normal" things. He probably won't ever be able to play baseball. He might not ever be capable of getting himself on the school bus. Family hikes through the woods will look a whole lot different when I can no longer carry him in a carrier on my chest. Before I knew it she had fallen asleep and my mind was racing. I laid there for awhile just thinking about every single thing I've taken for granted my entire life. Walking to the bus, climbing stairs, swinging, walking through the living room, everything.

I had taken every one of Maisey's milestones for granted. It was all just stuff kids are expected to do. She did it and I was proud and I posted it on Facebook and then it was done. Now I find myself getting excited when my child lifts his arm or leg higher than he did the day before. It's amazing how quickly life can change.

I don't say all of this to feel anyone's pity or to hear people tell me how sorry they are. I'm sorry my son has SMA but I'm not sorry for the lessons I've already learned because of it. I'm not sorry for the way it has changed me. Yes, I'm sad sometimes. But more than anything, I'm hopeful. And determined. So freaking determined. I'm determined to give our Coopy boy absolutely everything he needs to succeed in life. Even if that means succeeding from a wheelchair. I'm determined to show him that no matter what life has given him, he's going to change the world.