Sometimes I feel like I'm living a double life.
At home I know exactly how to handle everything. I know where on the floor I can set Cooper so he can play with his toys and not be bothered or knocked down by the dogs. I know exactly what will keep him entertained because, at his age, not much entertains him these days. His body might be stuck at 8 months but his brain isn't. He isn't content sitting or laying next to one toy. He wants lots of toys. Boy toys. Loud toys. Toys that a typical 16 month old would want to play with. He wants movement and sounds and actual entertainment. Finding that for him is hard though. Because many of the toys a child his age would normally play with require standing or walking or pushing or riding. All things he isn't able to do.
But at home we're able find ways to play with him and entertain him and keep him content and happy. When we're away from home everything seems to become so much harder. I have to worry about who is holding him because maybe they aren't supporting him quite right. Or maybe they just aren't aware of his floppiness and think they can just throw him on their hip and only hold him by his legs. And of course I have to figure out how to keep him entertained when all the other kids around his age are up and running around. I can't carry him the whole time we're away but I also don't want to just plop him on the floor in front of some toys and leave him. I can't interact with others the way I used to because all of my attention is on Cooper even when he's not in the room.
Going to a friend's house is almost like having an out of body experience these days. I'm physically there. I'm physically involved in the conversations but mentally I'm somewhere else. I'm with Coopy. I'm with his medical needs. I'm with his doctor's appointments and all the tests we're waiting on. I'm with all the worries about his future and how we'll afford all the medical bills starting to pile up. I'm with questions I randomly think of like "what if we need special equipment for him at some point?" I'm never fully present anymore. And that isn't fair to my friends. They've been nothing but supportive and caring and I hate that I almost seem to shut down when I'm around them now. I just don't know what else to think or talk about these days.
Comentários